I’ll start with the story that brought up this topic for me:
For the past several years, I have been feeling quite hurt by my dear cousin, who, for reasons I could barely guess (though I tried), has not kept in touch with me. Every time she didn’t call to wish me happy holidays, or sent a generic, tepid birthday wish, my heartache grew deeper. We have not had a real conversation in years. I missed her, I was hurt and disappointed, and I blamed and judged her for mistreating me this way.
Then, one day recently, after another such twist of the knife in my heart, I was hit by a realization. Suddenly I saw that the disconnection between us, which has pained me for so long, was actually, at least in part, my doing!... I was a bit shocked. I suddenly saw a behavior pattern of mine, which I wasn’t fully aware of previously, and which I have apparently applied to a few other people over the years. It was an unfortunate pattern of distancing myself from people who seemed to have a “perfect version” of something I wanted and haven’t managed to create in my own life at the time… Being in their presence put the painful lack in my own life in the spotlight, and it hurt… So I stayed away from them…
I was amazed to suddenly see this pattern of behavior so clearly, and felt sad for the wasted opportunities of friendship I have let go of over the years. I thought about my cousin and her life as I perceived it, and saw that my unfortunate pattern was very much at play there. Having seen my own responsibility meant there was something I could do about this situation, and I wasn’t about to remain passive and let this painful separation last any more than it already has. I texted my cousin. I told her I’ve missed her very much and that I don’t want the disconnection between us to continue. Could we meet for coffee or a glass of wine? She invited me over and we met the next day. I took a deep breath and told her about my discovery, that I was responsible for our disconnection (she insisted that 50% of the responsibility was hers). We ended up having a wonderful, lengthy conversation and she thanked me for making this happen. By looking at things differently and taking responsibility I gave myself the power to act and change the situation and got my cousin back!
When we get hurt or upset by something or someone, we tend to immediately direct our attention to finding who or what is to blame. Finding who to blame for our pain and unhappiness is an understandable first reaction that has several near-term benefits, such as allowing us to feel vindicated, having a place to direct our anger and frustration, affirming our values of fairness and social propriety, inviting support from others, and, having a reason to sit in our hurt and anger.
Focusing on who’s to blame is one of the more common problem thought patterns people share.
What’s the problem with identifying who’s to blame? The problem is that we tend to mix blame for what happened with responsibility for our experience of it. In other words, we assume that the person who did the offending deed is responsible for us feeling the way we do. This means that along with the blame, we hand over to someone else the power over our own experience, and render ourselves powerless to change both the situation and our experience of it. Thus we perpetuate our own suffering, and remain at the mercy of the offending party...
When, for example, we hold the perspective that until “they” apologize, “they” change their behavior, or “they” take the first step nothing could change or be remedied, we put complete power in the hands of the other party, and in effect choose to let our pain continue to fester until “they” may decide to do something about it. . It’s up to “them”.
In contrast, when we take responsibility -- not blame, but responsibility, for our experience of what has happened or what is going on -- we give ourselves the power to act in ways that can change the outcome for us. There may be tangible, practical action we can take, and/or inward action, such as finding a new way to view the situation, that would change our experience of it for the better.
Assuming responsibility for our experience does not absolve, negate or deny the responsibility of the other party for the actions they took. It takes US out of the helpless victim position, and empowers us to participate in creating our own experience.
When we take responsibility for our experience, no matter what else happened, we put ourselves back in charge of our life. We can stop wasting emotional energy, cut our losses, maybe even gain a lesson or two, and move on with our lives sooner, and stronger.
Questions to Ask Yourself:
• What is a situation in your life where you experience angst, anger or emotional pain, where you have put the blame and responsibility with something or someone else, and feel helpless to change the situation?
• What if there was a way to free you from carrying that hurt and anger, that didn’t require the cooperation of anyone else and was totally up to you? What would it feel like if you were able to do that? How interested would you be in exploring it?
• When you think about that situation, what might be, if any, your part in creating or perpetuating it? What might be something you could do to change your experience of it for the better? (hint: There is always something you can do).
Got thoughts, questions or reactions to this post? I’d love to hear them!
If this message about blame vs. responsibility taking reminds you of someone else who you think it would be relevant to, please forward it to them.
Happy Spring everyone!
